16 September 2013 @ 06:23 pm
Today, I finished (more of skimmed through) Why Our Decisions Don't Matter, edited by Simon Van Booy. In the book, there were a lot of approaches to that topic, such as accepting absurdity (the one I'm most familiar with after reading mostly Camus for the past months), resigning to fate or destiny assigned by gods and such, dissecting man's so-called free will, remembering that everyone dies anyway.... I've also gotten an idea of more authors/philosophers I'd like to read like Henry Miller, Wittgenstein and probably some more Stoics. Oh, a self-directed education in literature and philosophy would be grand.

If only my energy would allow it.

I figured out that school drains me and depresses me sometimes. Seeing patients and doing procedures are fun and dandy. But when I go back to my classmates, they go on and on worrying about whether a more senior doctor would look down on them for getting a question wrong, constantly nagging about (oh god why do they still do this in med school) group projects and ironically peppering their messages with smileys, going out to drink for the sake of things like teamwork and fellowship when I'd rather sleep after OPD and loads of other things I disagree with. Maybe it's just me and my unusual weird abnormal pathologic solitary preferences, and I probably got the wrong idea about my course and thought I wouldn't have to major in Socialization and Idiosyncratic Group Dynamics.

For now I'll consider this the absurdity that Camus talked about and put up with it. (Meanwhile I'll look for a specialization with minimal contact with other doctors.) May God/the gods/Nature/the forces of the universe/etc. preserve whatever is left of my sanity.
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