The ceiling gazer
05 January 2014 @ 12:42 pm
 New year, same thing at school.

I'm expected to think completely about rashes and eczema. Time to study. Heh.
The ceiling gazer
04 December 2013 @ 09:20 pm
 Depressed is my new normal. Yay.
The ceiling gazer
26 November 2013 @ 07:53 pm
 Trying to come down from my pedestal and work on a group project. Teamwork is something I always find myself struggling with.
The ceiling gazer
25 November 2013 @ 10:09 pm
Really tired today. Left-sided throbbing headache. It's probably because I skipped two meals today and didn't get much sleep last night.

Sometimes I feel like it's frustrating to argue for my own opinions. It's usually very different from most people's, and most people prefer what the culture dictates. It's culture that they end up following and I end up having to follow. What's the use?
The ceiling gazer
24 November 2013 @ 11:10 pm
Couldn't we hold a mental health teaching module on the 14th of February that *doesn't* focus on Valentine's Day? It's just a day, an interval of twenty-four hours, at least 10 of which are spent at school, like any other one of the 364 days of the year. And as it is, everyday is a day to praise romantic and/or sexual partnerships (most of which are heteronormative in this conservative, soap opera-crazy country) and frown upon being single (and gasping with disdain at solitary activities like simply thinking). Geez.
The ceiling gazer
24 November 2013 @ 05:07 pm
 Typing individual reports of group activities where I'll repeat everything discussed anyway. This is redundant.
The ceiling gazer
24 November 2013 @ 09:55 am
 More than a month after my last post, I still don't like at least 90% of school. But I want to record my basis for not liking it (or liking some parts of it). This journal will serve that purpose (for as long as I'm up to blogging).
The ceiling gazer
03 October 2013 @ 07:32 am
The ceiling gazer
01 October 2013 @ 07:49 am
Skipping a general assembly and forum at school this morning.

I know it's about important things like the college's budget and allocation of resources, and as a student there I should be proactive about these things. But lately, I haven't been feeling like their student and I don't give a care about them or any institution that claims me to be a part of.

I really just want to be alone for a while. A long, long while.

(I can't though; have to attend a case discussion at 10.)
The ceiling gazer
17 September 2013 @ 02:01 am
Hello again, midsleep insomnia.

I think I'll try studying for an exam so that I'll fall back asleep. It works even when I don't want to sleep.
The ceiling gazer
16 September 2013 @ 06:23 pm
Today, I finished (more of skimmed through) Why Our Decisions Don't Matter, edited by Simon Van Booy. In the book, there were a lot of approaches to that topic, such as accepting absurdity (the one I'm most familiar with after reading mostly Camus for the past months), resigning to fate or destiny assigned by gods and such, dissecting man's so-called free will, remembering that everyone dies anyway.... I've also gotten an idea of more authors/philosophers I'd like to read like Henry Miller, Wittgenstein and probably some more Stoics. Oh, a self-directed education in literature and philosophy would be grand.

If only my energy would allow it.

I figured out that school drains me and depresses me sometimes. Seeing patients and doing procedures are fun and dandy. But when I go back to my classmates, they go on and on worrying about whether a more senior doctor would look down on them for getting a question wrong, constantly nagging about (oh god why do they still do this in med school) group projects and ironically peppering their messages with smileys, going out to drink for the sake of things like teamwork and fellowship when I'd rather sleep after OPD and loads of other things I disagree with. Maybe it's just me and my unusual weird abnormal pathologic solitary preferences, and I probably got the wrong idea about my course and thought I wouldn't have to major in Socialization and Idiosyncratic Group Dynamics.

For now I'll consider this the absurdity that Camus talked about and put up with it. (Meanwhile I'll look for a specialization with minimal contact with other doctors.) May God/the gods/Nature/the forces of the universe/etc. preserve whatever is left of my sanity.
The ceiling gazer
15 September 2013 @ 05:13 pm
This is how I spent half of this week's allowance and savings of more than three months worth. Well, at least I won't be getting bored anytime soon.
The ceiling gazer
10 September 2013 @ 06:08 pm
Unfortunately, the depression got worse last week. Even though I got to rest, I still felt miserable the next morning, and it progressed until I couldn't attend school without tearing up.

On the positive note, I got to rest at home on the weekend, and now I'm in a relatively better mood. (Still very exhausted at the end of the day, though. Maybe it's more than just my mood causing that.)
The ceiling gazer
02 September 2013 @ 07:53 pm
I might be falling into another bout of depression, and it's scaring me. What I can do now is sleep and hope I feel better in the morning.
The ceiling gazer
29 August 2013 @ 10:14 pm
I'm working on a case conference presentation with someone else for school. After 12 hours, there's still no signs of closure, which means I can't get let off until this is done.

Heh, no use playing victim here. I'll have to get it done. After tomorrow morning, it'll just be some completely absurd situation I'll be laughing at.
The ceiling gazer
27 August 2013 @ 04:43 pm
I am certainly not a leader. Or, more accurately, I cannot lead. I always find myself in situations where other people want to go to point A and I want to go to point B, and I just couldn't coerce them to do what I want. And so I find myself alone.

(Let me remind you that one who isn't a leader isn't automatically meek and subservient.)
The ceiling gazer
27 August 2013 @ 04:00 pm
Is being an "achiever" important for me? My first answer was no, not as much as getting to learn. It shouldn't matter whether people are acknowledging what I'm able to do, as long as I'm striving to do the best I can do.

(I need to keep in mind that part, "striving to do the best I can do".)
The ceiling gazer
26 August 2013 @ 09:53 pm
"An unexamined life is not worth living.
- Socrates

I'm surprised that there are some people who do not even give little thought to their lives in general. I don't mean to sound like a snobbish educated elite here. I really can't imagine a life where one doesn't stop even for a minute to think.
The ceiling gazer
22 August 2013 @ 05:43 pm
For the past stormy days I did the following:
  • Finish my two paper cases
  • Study OBGYN for just an hour everyday
  • Commute far away from the dorm
  • Get caught in the rain far away from the dorm
  • Read
    • The Plague by Albert Camus
    • Letters by Seneca
    • The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa (more like rererereread)
  • Start a commonplace book
  • Dedicate myself to a lifelong self-directed liberal education
  • Explore the dorm
  • Play with cats
  • Explore the quasi-inhabited mall
  • Sort out clothes for donations
  • Volunteer for packing relief goods
  • See the psychiatrist
  • Watch anime movie trailers
  • Rock out in the dorm
  • Bring a classmate on an OB department tour
  • Help bring a patient to the ER
  • Learn to apply eyeliner
  • Make fun of people's FB updates/selfies/etc.
(This list may rival Phineas and Ferb's projects.)

This is what a dedicated medical student would have done in the past few days:
  • Finish their two paper cases
  • Study for whatever rotation they're currently at

Conclusion: I don't want to be a dedicated medical student. That sounds boring D:
The ceiling gazer
13 August 2013 @ 10:05 pm
Before I work on my computer, I think of all the things I would accomplish. I'd be able to look up information I could use for my studies, know what I need to do for academics/extracurriculars/non-curriculars, read lots of interesting articles, write insightful blog posts....

But once I start looking through my notifications on Facebook, I think, there's crap that needs to be done so people will stop bothering me, so all my hopes and aspirations for my night in front of my laptop have to be put on hold until....

Argh, it's already time to go to school. Will try again later.

And the cycle goes on. Cursed Facebook.