Lately, I've been going to the dorm early in the afternoon and holing myself up there, not stepping out until the next morning for classes. And I've been doing this for three straight days already. This is me turning into a shut-in. Wasn't surprised when a classmate called me that when I commented about it being so bright outdoors. Won't be surprised if they start calling me a hikkikomori.

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I think I may have found a specialty I'm interested in.

Pathology.

Yeah, that subject most of the people I know either curse at for being so cryptic, or forget about while being preoccupied with internal med/OB-Gyne/"more relevant stuff".

It's very challenging, and I'll get to hole in like I'm doing now, work alone and at my own time, have relatively limited contact with patients and other doctors... Yet, I feel kind of guilty not being a clinician and "being there for your patients" like how we're always told to be at school. My mom makes it worse by saying "You cure patients, not their tissues, not their organs or tissues, not the dead, not the judicial system, not the..."

Then I try to justify that specialty by thinking things like "If the school thinks that way, why is there still a Department of Pathology?" or "A lot of clinicians don't bother recalling all these histopathology stuff, so there's still something for me to do."

And then I think, am I just trying to rationalize what I want to do? And isn't that valid?

And after that I think, rationalizing is a defense mechanism like they said in Psychiatry, isn't it? Are defense mechanisms bad just because they are defense mechanisms?

And then, should I just become a psychiatrist then?

And it goes on.

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On a random note, I received KitKat as a raffle prize from class (oddly accompanied by an applause and congratulations). A bit hesitant to put it in the fridge, because everyone eats whatever is in the fridge.